I used to say I wanted a lot of kids, I had my whole life planned out in Highschool. But after I had my first..My opinion changed.
This is a super hard blog post to write about. It definitely exposes all my vulnerabilities and is hard to admit. Before I got pregnant again, I was super anxious to get pregnant and have another baby. I kept seeing darling newborns and it made me super baby hungry!! My husband was really hesitant and wasn’t sure if now was the right time, so we stopped trying and then surprise surprise I found out I was expecting! Well a couple months later the reality kicked in. And now… I am freaking out.
I want this pregnancy to go by slow. I’ll be honest, I am not ready. I thought I was, I thought I was going to be confident in going into this, but I’m not. Now that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for my little girl or super excited to hold her in my arms, I am more than excited! But I am absolutely terrified for what comes with having a newborn.
Here comes my honesty again.. I had a really hard time adjusting from sleeping like my husband lol to not sleeping at all. I had a lot of anxiety every time It was getting closer to the night. My heart would race and I would start to shake. I remember thinking I didn’t want any more kids. I was done. Vincent had several moments where it was a couple weeks of regression. It was really tough on me. The naps I would take while he was sleeping were so crucial for me and my health. The fact that I will now have two and sleeping schedules will be off is giving me anxiety. I need sleep. So bad. Of course It’s worth having the most precious children, But that doesn’t mean I am not terrified.
I get a lot of questions asking me how I keep my house clean. I don’t you guys ha. Plain and simple. I do try my best and every other day it’s clean or other rooms will be clean. But there will always be rooms that are messy. Knowing that I will now have two kids stresses me out thinking about the messes that are going to come.
I’ve had a few people tell me “You can barely even handle one, are you sure you want more kids?” or ” You can hardly keep up with the house, are you sure you can handle it?”
Well, now I’m not. I used to be 100% confident I can do it. Now… I doubt myself. I doubt myself hard. I doubt my ability to keep the house clean. I doubt my ability to stay sane. I doubt my ability to be a good mother. I sit there and cry because of my fears. I’m so deeply afraid of postpartum that it’s not even funny. I don’t want to think the thoughts that go through your head at that time. I pray every day that I will have what it takes and the strength.
You guys have no idea how hard it is to admit this to you. I am so afraid that I won’t be the mother my children need. I am so afraid of my children thinking I love them less than the other. I am fear stricken with the idea of trying to juggle both needs at the same time. I’ve gotten so used to Vincent and I’s routine that I almost don’t know what to do. Even though I’ve been through this before, I feel like I’m starting over again and It scares the heck out of me.
Going through this has been really hard for me. But my sweet husband made me realize that you can’t dwell in the darkness, you’ve got to come out for the sake of your family. The only thing you are doing by staying in there is hurting you and your family. If all you do is look at the darkness you will never be able to see the bright side of things… We get to have a little girl!! All my life I’ve wanted a girl and now I am bringing one into our family. It will be so hard yes, but I won’t be doing it alone! With the support of my husband and family I know I can do this. Most importantly I know my Heavenly Father will help push me every step of the way. He trusted us enough to send one of his precious children into our family. And I will do everything in my power to raise my children with so much love. I am beyond grateful for my children and children to come. I can’t wait to kiss her every day. I can do it, why? Because I AM A MOTHER.